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Long story but SO worth it.


Message written by

shayla
January 12, 2012 at 22:47:22:

 
I wanted to ask your opinion on soul mates. I had a childhood boyfriend ( first love ) who passed from cancer about 3 years ago. We were together through all my middle school years ( grd 7th - 8th ). Although he was not my "first" boy friend so to speak, he was my first love. When I met him, or shall I say when he made himself known to me I already had a boyfriend ( you know the ones when all you do is talk on the phone about absolutely NOTHING! ) My friends would all tell me about this guy who liked me but I never knew who he was and I would just let it go. They would tell me he was ugly, bad and talked back to the teachers! All kinds of negative things you could imagine. Then one day while I was at my locker, there he was. I don't know how I knew it was who everyone was telling me about, but one look at him and how he was looking at me I just knew. Normally I would have pushed anyone away who wasn't my boyfriend, but there was something about those eyes of his that instantly had my attention. There was something that calmed me and made me feel comfortable in his presence. And all the " he's ugly" by my friends was not so. At least in my eyes. I saw him as a rainbow, beautiful in every way. Long story short, I ended up breaking up with my "puppy love" to be with him ( as he told me I would do sooner or later ). He was my first love but It was in no way an easy relationship for two people who were so young! There was PLENTY of arguing, break-ups, make ups, sex pressure ( from him which I refused to give in to ) it was definitely no day at the beach with him let me tell you! But then there were tender moments like deep kisses that lasted a long long time! Hugs so warm and endearing. Staring into each others eyes and the whole world just seemed to fall away and sweet memorable things like that.
I write all this because I wanted to give some background on he and I and why I am asking the soul mate question. You see I hadn't seen him a lot through the years after our 'permanent' break up ( 24 yrs ago to be exact ). But I can say that our bond remained. ( I didn't realize that then, but boy do I now ) Our lives took completely different directions. Mine on an even path, but his not so good. Drugs, in and out of jail etc. About a year before he passed away, I would hear this one particular song on the radio that always made me think of him. It was the first song he ever sang to me during that time. And I would hear this one song CONSTANTLY during that year and my mind would turn to him wondering how he was doing and such. I am a smoker and though I never thought anything about stomach cancer before, during that year I would often say to myself " I'd better stop smoking on an empty stomach I may mess around and get stomach cancer. ( DON'T ASK ME WHY I thought that, but for some reason, I did OFTEN ). New Year's day 09 I kept getting the feeling to go to the mall to catch some sales and such. I didn't feel like going as it was a day off and I just wanted to rest. But it was an urgent feeling. So I followed my intuition and went. And who did I run right smack into as soon as I got in the door but his sisters. I didn't see them often but I was very close to his family. They are like my own. That is when I found out that he was in the hospital. At the time, no one knew why. ( He'd been in jail and they had to take him from there ) Instantly my heart went out to him. He could have no visitor's other then family. So I sent a message through his sister that he was in my thoughts and prayers. After I found that out, I tried many times to reach her to find out what was wrong with him but she would not return my calls. ( I understood because their Mom passed away on New Year's eve also from cancer ) Then a little more then a week later I got the call. He passed away at 8:30 that morning from stomach cancer. I didn't think I would ever stop crying. I hurt so badly. We would see each other on the street every blue moon, but it wasn't very often. Even then there was a warm feeling. I was always so happy to see him. I just couldn't believe that he had died. Then it hit me and hit me hard with my constantly hearing that ONE song he sang to me and my always speaking of stomach cancer just up out the blue. That really rocked me to my core. And I was so angry at myself for missing the signs. I am very intuitive and I have learned through life to always pay attention to it, but for some reason, I totally missed all those vital signs. And me running into his sisters right when I did after not seeing any of them in so long, I know with all my heart that I was meant to know he was going to pass away. I see so many other things now also that I never realized before now. And my heart will ache forever because of this. I really wish I would have told her to tell him that I loved him. Because in truth I did. I just didn't realize how much he meant to me before then. But she did give him my message at least. And he told her to tell me that he loved me. That is the very first time he ever told me that he loved me. He'd never ever said it before and he never had to because something inside me always knew that he did. He made it apparent every time we ran into each other. But I couldn't accept his lifestyle. Something else I'm kicking myself for because I feel that maybe I could have helped in some way. Either way, seeing him in that coffin hurt sooooo incredibly badly. I hurt from a place I never hurt from before. Way deep down to my core of being. Like someone had reached inside me being and snatched away something vital. All I wanted to do was SCREAM. I wanted to run up to him and tell him to get out of that coffin because he was only 37 and didn't belong there. I was so angry and I can not explain why. He was the only boyfriend I ever had to have kissed that way. The only one whom no matter what he did, I still cared deeply for and he for me. The only one who never ever told me that he loved me, but deep inside he didn't have to because I always knew. The only one whom after all these years there was still some kind of bond. On the day of his passing which I didn't find out until later on that night. I felt him. Literally. I was laying down in bed and all of a sudden I had this rush of thoughts of him. He completely filled my thoughts. I could feel him ( or something! ). Like he was laying down in back of me. I literally had to sit up and turn around and LOOK that's how much I FELT him. It was like some sort of warmth from my head to my toes and I knew then I would be hearing from him. I Just didn't know that it would be his sister calling me to tell me he had died. But now that I look back, I guess in a strange way, I really did hear from him. He came to me. ( I still cry when I think of this ) I know that now, like I know there is a GOD. So I wrote all this to ask, with this kind of connection with someone ( I haven't had any other like this that's for sure ) could he have been my soul mate? Is there such a thing?? I know I have never had another relationship that was as special as this one. I'd like to add also that on the day of his funeral, when I got into my car, the very song I'd been hearing all summer was the very same song that was playing when I started my car! At first I thought I was nuts because right after that there were 3 MORE songs that I distinctly remember him singing to me. I don't know how in the heck I made it to the funeral home in one piece for all the crying I was doing, but I swear with all my heart, it was like he was serenading me all the way there. Not to mention the feeling for days after that he was "here". I could feel him. He touched me! I know that sounds very strange and it's very hard to find the words to explain it but picture a very soft feather falling on your arm or leg. Or for that matter a strand of hair. So light that if all your attention had not been drawn to it, you would never notice. I felt it on my leg, my arm and even my lips! IMAGINE that! So I know there HAS to be some kind of connection as I have NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER had this kind of experience before in my almost 40 years of life. Even now, 3 years later, I can still "feel" him from time to time.  


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